As you’ll see, we have underlined typical signs of gambling addiction in the husband in the letter. (Sarah is a fictive name)
Hi Anders!
My name is Sarah, and I really need help. I’m worried that my husband might have a gambling problem, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been noticing some weird things happening, and it’s freaking me out!
My husband has been staying out late for the past year, and sometimes, he comes home the next day. When I ask him where he’s been, he just gets mad and won’t tell me anything. I’ve also seen that our savings are disappearing, and we have a bunch of unpaid bills. My husband has even borrowed money from our family, but he won’t say why.
I think my husband is a gambler. He used to be so happy and fun, but now he’s always grumpy and doesn’t talk to us much. He seems to be worried about something all the time. I tried talking to him about this once, but he just got angry and told me to mind my own business.
I’m really scared for our family. Our relationship is getting worse, and I don’t know what to do. I think he might have a gambling addiction. I’ve been reading about the signs of gambling addiction in a husband, and it all matches what he’s doing.
I have a few questions and would really appreciate your help:
- How can I know for sure if my husband has a gambling addiction? What should I look for?
- What’s the best way to talk to him about this without making him angry?
- Are there any places or people that can help us with a husband gambling addiction?
- How can I protect our family’s money and make sure we’re okay?
- What can I do to support my husband if he wants to stop gambling?
I feel lost and overwhelmed. Any advice you can give would be really helpful. Thanks for listening and for the work you do to help people like us. I just want to know how to help a gambling husband and save our family.
Sincerely, Sarah
Hey Sarah!
Thanks for contacting us. We’ll do our best to help you. Please see our answers below.
Does my husband have a gambling addiction?
When reading your story, it’s clear that your husband fulfills many of the signs of gambling addiction in a husband. Some of the symptoms of gambling addiction in a husband are:
- Mood swings
- Withdraw from social activities
- Borrowing money
- Gets irritated when confronted
- Money is disappearing from your shared bank accounts
- There is also the sign that you’re worried something is going on.
Does he also have problems sleeping? Did he talk about gambling before but has suddenly stopped? Do you know if he gambles online or at land-based casinos? Here, you can find our full list of signs of gambling addiction and sports betting addiction if you want to know more.
Before we continue, we’d like to quickly tell you about our course for helping family members of gamblers. The course includes the following modules:
- Understanding Gambling Addiction
- How to see the signs
- How to protect yourself from a gambling spouse
- What people gamble on
- What to do before confronting the person
- How to talk to the gambling husband
- Take Action – Get an Action Plan
- Bonus: What to do if he doesn’t want to stop gambling.
The course consists of 10 videos with tips and tools on how to help a gambling husband. You can get the course here.
How do you confront your husband about gambling without angering him?
In our course, we explain how gambling does something for the person. Your husband likely sees gambling as his worst enemy but also as a friend. How can that be?
We see addiction as a way to escape pain. Pain can be any discomfort, feeling, or thought you don’t want to have—for example, loneliness, boredom, stress, or anxiety. Gambling is exceptionally good at distracting people. Hence, it temporarily helps them escape the pain. That’s what is so addictive!
If we tell a compulsive gambler husband he mustn’t gamble, we’re also threatening his “solution” to escape the pain. That’s one reason he might get angry. It’s not because someone cares, but because they threaten their “imaginary friend”.
In the course, we teach you how to use nonviolent communication to listen and talk to the person and what questions to use to show curiosity rather than make the person feel judged. Showing curiosity will decrease the risk of him getting angry. It’s easier than it sounds, and we’ll show you how.
Different Help for a husband with gambling addiction
Depending on where you live, there are different options where you can get help. In some countries, there are dedicated gambling hotlines you can call. Sometimes, these hotlines work, and you schedule an appointment with a gambling counselor or therapist.
If your husband gets angry when you’re trying to confront him, he is probably not ready for gambling counseling or going to a support meeting like Gamblers Anonymous. An alternative could be an online platform like QuitGamble.com. Fear, pride, shame, and guilt often prevent people from seeking help. Online, your husband can poke around anonymously. He doesn’t need to admit to problems that might hurt his pride, and there is no risk of anybody finding out.
As a member of QuitGamble, he gets help to understand what gambling does for him, and then the platform offers video courses, forums, chats, and a large community of gambling wives and husbands. Addiction can be lonely, which can trigger more gambling, but joining a community can remove the loneliness.
How to protect yourself from a gambling husband?
In the video course, we discussed protecting yourself on three levels.
- How to protect your assets from a gambling husband
- How to protect your mental health
- How to protect your relationship
Before you can help your partner, you must protect yourself mentally and financially. Our first suggestion is to focus on yourself by never accepting bad behavior, setting clear rules for the gambler, and never lending money to them. If you don’t focus on yourself, you risk developing co-dependence or co-addiction, which means that you start adapting to the person’s behavior rather than counteracting it. You can read more about co-dependence here.
If you don’t want to buy the video course, you can check out our guide on how to protect yourself from a gambling partner.
How to deal with a gambling husband
My husband is addicted to gambling, which can be tough to accept. It might be even more challenging to forgive a gambling husband. But the more you learn about addiction, the more you’ll understand that compulsive gamblers aren’t bad people. They are just humans who use gambling as a way to deal with (escape) the pain they don’t know how to handle.
Last year, we asked 3300 gambling addicts about why they gamble. Most of them don’t know why. They think they gamble to win big (which might be obvious), but we have never talked to a gambling addict who actually gambles to win money… There is always another reason when you start digging. As someone who works with gambling addicts daily, it’s a highlight when we manage to help an addict understand that.
To answer: How to help my partner with gambling addiction? We’d recommend you help them understand why they gamble. You can do that by asking the following questions:
- What happens when you gamble?
- How does it feel?
- What do you think?
- What do you not think or feel when you’re gambling?
In our how to stop gambling guide, we explain these questions in more detail. If you encounter resistance, it might be because the person feels judged or accused. It’s not your fault! But if you want to improve your chances of reaching the person and understand why they react the way they do, check out our course in Nonviolent Communication. You can access it on the platform or find it here.
If you struggle, try to reach out to a friend or relative. You can say your husband has a gambling addiction straight forward, or tell them that you’re in a challenging situation and need their support.
Suppose you don’t want to reach out to anyone or don’t have anyone. You’re welcome to join our community on QuitGamble.com. The platform is built to help people stop gambling and to support family members. It offers many tools that can help prevent co-dependency and increase your chances of helping the person.
We can also recommend you read our guide for family members of gambling addicts.
We know you’re in a tough spot, Sarah. Don’t be hard on yourself for not spotting the problem before. Gambling addicts are experts at hiding their gambling. You’re a good person and wife for wanting to help your husband with gambling problems. Hopefully, you’ve found our answers helpful. Feel free to reach out to us if you have any other questions.
/ Anders